Perhaps survival may actually be possible... or is it still too soon to tell?
It's 2am on January 9th, 2018.
I had originally wanted to write this yesterday. I wanted to start yesterday. I wanted to write write write all day yesterday. I wanted to pitch pitch pitch all day yesterday.
But I didn't.
All I did was relax and goof off and... gather more stories to write about.
It's been nonstop since right before the New Year and...
I feel there is so much I'm still backlogged on writing about.
About the horrific last date, I went on that frightened me into a possibly-shouldn't-date-for-a-long-time chill.
About my paid coverage of an art installation aimed to make people Happy when... I wasn't quite feeling my shiniest.
About my return back to Los Angeles after my hiatus and jump up to the Bay for some much-needed space and...
(*All of these pieces will get their associated link backs as they actually do get posted*)
This year has come in strong and full of beauty, promise, and thought-provoking dialogue.
It's been the stuff of magic.
It's been the stuff of fire.
One glorious entrance into a delightfully scary but somehow less scary unknown.
Flashback to just a bit over a week ago now-
I was at a party surrounded by mostly strangers dressed like robots and all stars. There was a delightful mix of brilliant and colorful minds around me from all walks of life it seemed. Some were far into their careers and paths while others... were not feeling as on par with their peers.
In my past, I've frequently gone down this rabbit hole. I've run myself in circles with feeling inadequate. I would run into a reminder of that via Facebook recently too after the party.
What many didn't know and might still not know is that I was under the effects of a gaslighting fog.* I was repeatedly beating myself up over choices fearing that I simply *must* have done something wrong for the things to be happening the way they had. Over the course of the tail end of the year, things would come more solid into view testifying to that very thing. I would see the changes most everywhere from simple things like a threshold for the uncertain (dare I say the phrase "trigger sensitivity") and in my outward appearance. It was all part of the design, however.
*But that's another story that I probably shouldn't be writing here just yet.
Or so my [redacted] will be...
Going to this gathering was part of a greater goal and purpose. It was a dedication to let go of any and all things that did not mutually provide happiness and/or growth. It was so many things more than just being at a party with strangers in San Francisco. It was a complete decision for a healthier and more unifying (or at very least respectful and considerate regardless of unity) way of being that I had even, despite legitimately being very healthy and sound against what the gaslighters attempted to press on me, given myself the ability to be previously.
As I heard this story unfolding of someone starting on that path that I've too often found myself going on, I found it important to contribute positivity by cheering on their successes over the past year rather than their feelings of lowliness compared to others.
This was for them.
This was for me.
wasn't completely altruistic even if it was pure and well-intentioned.*
(*Yep, there's another story living in there too as you might have guessed. Guess you'll have to stay tuned for it though.)
There would be many opportunities to test my positivity and decision to act with respect and honor that very personal and quiet goal.
I was consistent the entire night.
It was an amazing exercise full of a variety of characters that stood as possible barriers to test the fortitude of my intellect and soul.
A woman beating herself up about her career level as we were surrounded by many who were miles ahead.
A persistent Bible thumper whom very much wanted to convert and manipulate my way of thinking to more align his.
A press and pull encounter regarding existentialism and differences among family and those whom might not be understanding with or without an understanding of this happening.
A giant culminating breath of acceptance for those whom wouldn't return the favor and loving them nonetheless anyway.
With another big deep breath, I am once again brought to thoughts of thankfulness.
Is it wrong to be proud of oneself for an accomplishment that tiny?
Is it wrong to be proud that it felt tiny that day and every day so far this new year than it had previously?
Every day thus far has been like that first night/first morning of the year.
I have made multiple goals for myself in the silence and not so quiet ways of the world.
One of them ultimately ended up being the focal picture on this post which was, just like this story, an adventure in trusting myself to get to despite odds that were not always keen in my favor.
The universe sometimes provides.
The universe sometimes really does prevail through the darkness.
As cheesy as it may seem I'm really happy when it rains.
It's now 3am and the sound of the rain accompanies the sound of the clicking dancing keys. I am filled with a fire as the sound pours a wash of clean fresh spirit and wonder onto the earth.
It may actually be ok after all.
It may actually be ok after all.
It *will* actually be ok after all finally.
It's going to take a bit of exercise.
But in the end...
In the beginning...
It really will be ok after all.
I live for the moments that await to be written about...
Even if they take climbing mountains to come to...
Even if they don't always happen when I might like them to.*
I really *will* be ok after all.
It may even be sort of beautiful.