It means the world and so much more than just America... fuck yeah.
As some of you may be adamantly following, the Chicago Cubs are in the World Series for the first time in decades. This means so much to many fans and not fans alike following the sport. But for some, like our family, it really does mean a world.
As the story on Day the Dead will come to tell, the Cubs going to the series alone is a scary thing for me. You see, back when my grandmother died in 2014 and, well, even before then, I made a joke to my grandfather related to the Cubs.
"You're going to be with us forever grandpa. I made a deal with the man that you can't die unless the Cubs win the world series!"
My grandfather looked at me sideways and replied the best reply to this ever.
"That's not funny Jennifer Marie. I eventually want to die someday!"
Over a week ago I would be sitting in traffic headed to the valley with a fare in my car. I told them this story as inning 5 had just happened against the Dodgers. They joined in the sentiment as I forewarned them that I may end up crying at the results of the game. Either way it was beautiful. I would even add to it with a comment about my sister Jessica as well.
"My sister tragically passed this year too. We didn't get along very well as adults but there's a picture from our childhood with her and my brother wearing Cubs jerseys. If they win I will view it as my sister giving my dad a high five in a way. It's been a hard year and he could use the smile. I think all of my family could... even if I am not a Cubs fan partially because it's a thing for my father and I to cheer opposite teams notoriously standing but don't tell him that.."
I also told them about how last year my dad said he might be there to go trick or treating with me and Jonas either due to him going to the series.
"Haha yeah right dad. See you on Halloween."
And we did last year.
We all laughed about it just like grandpa had about the other Cubs comment. Oh how the Cubs have been the sad butt of the joke for so long.
"Well we're cheering for your family either way!"
My passengers cheered on as we listened to the last of the game. Sure enough, as you already know, they beat the Dodgers and would advance to the series. This was also a double whammy as I would laugh about of course it'd be my new home team here in LA versus my roots with the Cubs to lose ultimately. Someone would tell me before how my past and I often battle and indeed they did then.
But that's another story and another blog later perhaps over on Invisible Me.
So the Cubs are in the series and it means a lot right now. But my father and brother and I aren't on the best of terms currently while we all handle my sisters death. I'm focused on Jonas and on paths forward and change and... well... some things don't sadly ever right now.
I was at a baseball exhibit with my best friend yesterday. It's closing today. I had to see it before it closed. I hadn't been to an exhibit like that in ages.
The last time I can remember was when my sister and I were kids and my dad somehow decided while my mother was sleeping that we should go see the baseball hall of fame in Cooperstown. I was already on pins thinking about the days that would be coming up. They're going to be hard as it's Jonas birthday and a very special couple of holidays to my family.
But then I saw the pictures.
My dad did end up going to the series this year. I knew he would. But not only was I not invited but I was not told anything about it. It was beyond painful to look at and I ended up looking at my phone about to post pictures from the otherwise happy day walking around the museum and honoring my beloved sport to see that. Adding to it, I had left my father a message telling him about how I had been at the exhibit and told him that it would have been nice for him to have gone... that I thought of him and had wished things were better.
I broke down crying. The pictures represented so much more than a baseball game. They were a window towards the love that had been denied to me since the days of my parents separation. It would be a bit bittersweet that the Cubs were the butt of jokes when deep down I felt similar. I would and continue to work towards this goal of having a family again so that I could give them the love and acceptance that had not been bestowed on me. Even stupider still was that I still bought a baseball postcard double to send to my dad anyway despite everything even after having cried. I debated going to get more today before it closes. I was bummed that I didn't get to share the memories of going to see that with them in person. I was happy that my father and brother had that cozy memory together at the ball game.
It's more than just a world series.
I listened to the game and attempted to work a bit after the museum and dinner. I heard about the Cubs losing last night. I should have been "happy" given "karma" or something right?
In fact, I ended up going to sleep early crying about things like a lamer. I was exhausted and I should have been making money that I really need right now especially since my family isn't helping me at all.
It's the last hours before what could be the final game and I'm sitting in a coffee shop hoping that things change around for them. For my family to be happy. At the same time I also don't want to think about my grandfather dying. I don't want to think about how the most wonderful people who have been in my life won't be around all the time. I want to think about the beauty of the world and not just the deaths.
It's more than just a series.
Either way that the roads go.. without the roads and a bit different than that famed winning series prediction... I know that it will be ok. It's the death of an era and the beginning of another. The Cubs were just another line on the sheet of history. Only time will tell what the rest of the story holds. Stay tuned.