Your aunt and I were discussing this very thing that we hope you find.
"I have to ask you a question. You might not like it. Is that ok?"
"It's fine. Go ahead. Even if I don't like it."
Your "aunt" Molly and I have been friends since high school. We've been through.. a lot. She still lives in IL where I grew up... or adjacent to it. She is one of the first friends I ever had in high school... from Freshman year at Providence Catholic in New Lenox, IL. Know that we talk about all of you often.
Molly and other friends, as well as family, are all well aware of things going on with Jonas. Of how I've been fighting extra hard for your brother for years. Of how important it is for Jonas. Of how...
"Do you ever worry that the other kids will be upset looking up and reading things of how hard you fought for Jonas but that it wasn't the same for them?"
Dear Ethan, Maddox, and Sakura (and Jonas too),
I know that someday you may question things. As I told your "aunt" Molly this weekend, I accept whatever feelings you have about everything. I'm also ensuring that I have and will leave you with extensive documentation of things that went on and what I dealt with. The pain that was bestowed to me was also far worse that it was bestowed by them through me and to you.
While Ethan's father died and Maddox and Sakura's didn't, I still feel compelled to tell you all that I love you all so very much regardless of my choices in whom ended up being part of the reason that you're here. I chose the men I did for different reasons. Know that even with the differences that I have with your fathers that I still chose them for specific good qualities they all had. I will never tell you that your fathers were just completely dreadful people. They weren't. However, they also weren't the greatest to me in many ways unfortunately and I do hope that you know and understand that someday.
I do not value one of you over the other. I value ALL of you including Jonas so much. I hope that you all know and understand that too. I hope that you will all see and know that from our time together no matter when it happens.
I think of all of you every day whether we see each other or don't.
I'm afraid of your father dear Maddox and Sakura. Your father was not good to me. He did many terrible things to me. I have these things documented. It wasn't your mother having some... he did very specific things to me.
I will show you in the proper time.
In your father and his girlfriends' desire to hurt me, they've hurt you as well. I do not agree to it. I do not support it. I intend to fight that just as much as I am with Jonas as well in the proper time. There is so much that...
But it has to be done in the proper time.
Unfortunately, due to not having a ton of free-flowing finances, I'm limited to what I can do and when I can do it. Money has been a difficult hurdle for me. For that I hope you can understand and, maybe if I am lucky, you can forgive me.
I'm also self-aware that I am limited partially as well because of where I live. This is a double-edged sword because I am tethered here due to you guys in some ways, and not in others.
Did you guys know that I had an opportunity to move to Europe when your father (Maddox and Sakura's father that is) and I ended our marriage? I didn't because you were more important regardless of where your father and I were in the state. In the beginning, I thought that we were going to cohesively co-parent. He'd stated that even to his ex-wife after me- Wendy/Kathleen. But then... well I think you know by now that he didn't keep with that promise when he met Stephanie but I will tell you more about that someday...
Once again: at the proper time.
I love your "aunts" out in IL. Your "auntie" Molly. Your "auntie" Tina. Your "auntie" Sarah. We all love you very much and think of you. There are also many times where I think about how much it would have been nice to raise you around them and their kids... your extended not related family beyond the family. I often feel frustrated that I did not and do not want to go back to IL and give you that life. Somedays I consider differently though.
Sometimes I do think about moving back and living at Grandma or Grandpa G's old home in Homer Glenn/Lockport or even at the newer house in Dwight. I think about the swing that your blood connected aunt Jess and uncle Johnny and your cousins swung on growing up in a city next door or even the house down the street. There are many wonderful memories that are there. I really wish that you had been given the ability to see it more and to know your Great Grandparents as much as Ethan did. Again, sadly, your father didn't want to cooperate with that and allow you that chance. It is something that will always make me sad thinking about. You missed an opportunity to spend time and know two of the most wonderful people on the planet.
I will also admit that I do love California. As much as I struggle financially, there is something here that makes me so happy. I feel alive in ways that I didn't growing up in IL. To some extent, I do hold myself accountable that this portion can be viewed as being selfish. Your grandparents and some have stated that if I lived elsewhere- pretty much anywhere- that pursuing you would be much easier. It's expensive here. It's really really expensive. As you know by now also hopefully with our adventures here, you can see why it's worth it. All three of you (and likely Jonas as well too) know why "Mommy goes She-Hulk about the 405" too as we've laughed and joked about it.
But I digress...
It is my wish that you kids all know that I love you so much and that all of you were ripped out of an opportunity that I wish I could have afforded more to give you. Know that there is not a day that I don't think of you and wish you were in my arms. There's not a day that I don't hope and wish that we were not robbed of these opportunities. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish I were braver and stronger to stand up to the people who...
But I hope and, even though I'm not religious, I pray that in the proper time, you'll know that.