The irony of a significant absence is that it's felt, perhaps even heavier, than perhaps if it had been there in the first place.

Dear Sakura, Maddox, Jonas, and Ethan,

There have been many days over the last few weeks that it has been overwhelmingly heavy. I have been working so hard running to make bills in two of the most expensive and gorgeous places to live in the country. I think about the words of others often. I am constantly self-evaluating. I am constantly... thinking about the words of all of those who have essentially told me I was not good enough or worthy enough to be your mother.

Ethan-

Your grandfather and I have not had the best relationship since childhood. As you and your siblings may or may not know, your grandfather was also my hero growing up. I'm forever thankful that you are receiving many of those good and memorable treasured memories such as baseball, cartoons, & Three Stooges.

I am also horrifically dismayed and scared about some of the other things that you are surrounded by which are major reasons as to why your grandfather and I have the relationship we currently do. It has a trickle-down effect that will be revealed a bit more through these other missives... if I am able to follow through with getting them out. Know that these are extremely difficult for me to do for a number of reasons. I fully accept if you feel that I am a failure with this act here or about my absence. Know that although this is partially a choice, it is also... not.

Maddox-

I am particularly concerned about you in some ways different than your siblings due to your health issues. Know that I recognized your delays early on and wanted your father to pursue assistance for you. Your father disputed this. He refused to take you. Even with his move North to the Bay Area, I sent information and resources for you to get the help you needed. I have records of this that I can show you as well.

I am concerned that you are not getting the assistance you need and deserve. Your development has always been a concern of mine. I fear that your birth may have been a contributor to that- but it was out of my control. You got stuck coming out and I was in intense pain. I am also afraid that your father will attempt to manipulate that portion and claim that it is a sign that I am not worthy of being your mother. This sadly adds onto things similar in some ways to your siblings...

Sakura-

Oh, my dear, I fear for you in a very real way that I pray does not come to fruition. I failed you by picking your father. I failed you because of my own father. Because of his grandfather. Your father failed because of his father too though. For those reasons, I'm forever worried about your emotional well being... because these men are your first examples of what you may choose later. There have been generations which have chosen poorly with men and, while you and Maddox were both planned, your father was another bad choice for he didn't want me but he wanted to cage me.

While I have learned and taken great caution to not choose men that exhibit the qualities you have seen and known from your father saying the horrific things that he has to me in front of you  and in his abuse of me through you, there is a part of me that fears that someday you will choose a man like him or like my own father. I worry about his example- of him vocally admitting his anger with me stepping outside the marriage and taking this anger to massive levels in order to hurt me... and the lies and manipulations that have been attempted to be woven through so many avenues with him and his counterparts that...

My dear cherry blossom girl, I love you and worry about you. I hope that you someday understand how truly abused I was and do not find yourself to have chosen partners poorly. I think about you and this always and wish I had more finances (something your father haughtily hovered over my head) to fight the way that you and your brothers deserved. Know that the moment it is possible, I can and will show you everything to show you this truth... in the proper time.

Jonas-

There are many times that I have felt bad for not being as financially well off as your current caretakers. I know that the woman who has you has issues where she cannot have her own children, has lost her mother, and is very very emotionally ill. I feel bad for her but what she has done with her lies and things in order to... it is wrong and I am so very worried that you are in the care of someone who injured you with scalding burns, diaper rash that she tried to claim was my fault which others can attest isn't, and even stitches to your head when she wasn't paying attention and you fell on a block and nearly got hit by a car.

I have felt bad for choosing to live in two of the most expensive cities in the county. Some of it has been chosen but some of it was not. I stayed where I have to be in close proximity to fight for you and your siblings... despite Sakura and Maddox's father running off to two different states chasing women he met online. Know that it is taking everything in me to keep fighting and I will do so as much as I can.

There are days where I will be open in a fear that I am not good enough... which I know is rooted in how I have been essentially abandoned and the one who would feel the daggers my parents threw at each other. There are days that I fear that my finances are not enough which is rooted in my parents using finances as weapons with each other in their fights where I was stuck in the middle... where you and your siblings have been because others want to hold finances (obtained by your caregivers' marriage or by your siblings' fathers girlfriends and/or inheritance) over me.  There are days that, quite frankly, I fear that it would never be enough to anyone to "prove" that I am worthy. That almost anything else would be easier.

I often feel bad about my financials. When you were given back to me initially and Casey bailed I feared I was not going to be able to do everything. I worked tirelessly. I cleaned. I worked. I put food on the table. I fed you and the roommate's daughter Aura who was begging for food and playing outside getting filthy and even stealing money while Jamie was in her office not paying any attention. I picked roommates as I did because sadly I had difficulty finding a place that was not only willing to take us in with our circumstances (they were afraid of *them* and not me) that was within my budget. I had very specific reasons for my actions... and sadly they were choices made out of fear of *them*. It was another instance of how I had been abused by someone but you were stuck in the middle. I have stacks of paperwork to show this as well that will be revealed at the proper time. Know that this weighs on me constantly and is an area where I wish I had been better at. My financial capabilities have been used against me many times and, with regards to you especially, even with practically killing myself working both smart and hard, it was still used against me as a weakness.

To each of you-

I have always loved you.

I am always thinking of you.

I am always worried about you.

I am always feeling bad about my financial capacities even when I've done well and I have at points actually when not constantly inundated with stress and obstacles from those who would insist that I was not worthy. 

I know you may never see this.

I know that you may never know just how much pain and agony I have been in without you.

I hope that someday you know and understand the real truth.

I hope that you understand.

I have always loved you.

I am always thinking of you.

I am always worried about you.

I am always feeling bad about my financial capacities even when I've done well and I have at points actually when not constantly inundated with stress and obstacles from those who would insist that I was not worthy. 

I know you may never see this.

I know that you may never know just how much pain and agony I have been in without you.

I hope that someday you know and understand the real truth.

I hope that you understand someday.

It's not what you have been likely told... because the reality would not be kind to those who told you a much different story.

Someday my loves...

Someday I hope that the heavy absence that exists now will be one that you understand is not something I ever wanted... even though I do feel partially accountable for having chosen to stay living here but... 

It's not something I would ever change.

Regardless of the career or job opportunities, I gave up.

I might not have much to show for it but the biggest hope that I can ever dream is that you know that being your mother was a job I wanted more than anything in the world even though I have often wondered in the gaslit fog if I was worthy enough.

You were always wanted.

You were always wanted so much that my soul screams and aches feeling that you are out of reach because I'm the only one who sees and wants better for our family than to continue to feel the weight of being deserted.

I love you my babies.

Back to work.