Part of the reason I don't send things out anymore is because it's like I never did anyway.

I sent Ethan a card not too long ago. It had a note asking him to call me or otherwise contact me. I don't know if you even got it. I fear it was intercepted... just as the letters and presents I sent Maddox and Sakura had been when they lived with Wendy. Of the presents and things sent to them that had never even been told that they were from me. Of the lies that you were all told about me not loving you or caring enough by those that hurt me.

It's a little past midnight and I'm thinking of these things. I'm up and distracted by them as I look at Jonas' stuffed plushes... stuffed plushes that should be with him in this room tucked away with him too.

But they're not.

I got a reminder of things that failed again yesterday. Of the words of Ethan in a moment away from my father where he could finally say the things he couldn't in front of him for fear of being rejected just as I was by him. Ethan may not admit this right now. He may never get that courage. I don't blame you my baby. I understand. I wouldn't wish the rejection that your grandfather did upon you. I wouldn't wish it on...most people at least.

I'm a bit shocked I'm not soaking in tears. It is a heaviness. A heavy blankness. All I wanted was for all of you to be together. You deserved that. I'm sorry that I chose such crappy examples of men to be your fathers. Please forgive me as my father and your grandfathers on both sides were not the best men although your great grandpa Giannerini has repent for his actions and wishes your grandfather will someday get there as well.

Ethan wanted all of you. He wanted his siblings. He believed that what was happening was wrong. That the woman who had Jonas was in the wrong. That she denied these boys the opportunity to have their shared bond honored due to her selfish and sick motives and...

Two years ago we'd gone golfing together. Ethan, your grandfather, and me. Ethan at one point came to me and hugged me when your grandfather wasn't looking. He told me something brave and important to him. I'm thankful for it. I'm proud of you. Vulnerability like this is not a weakness my son. It's ok.

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I need to sleep. I took a morning switch to the temporary job I'm doing currently in between writing pieces for my regular workflow.

I need to dream. I need to see some of these dreams I'm fighting for come to pass in a visual sense. I can only hope to get there. I can only keep pressing on. 

This is a nightmare that keeps continuing. I miss all of you my babies. Know that I'm still fighting and trying as much as I can. Sleeping or awake, you are my dreams.

Goodnight. See you in a few.