Blue Season

It's time for Dodgers Baseball.

Baseball is incredibly embedded into my blood. It's one set of memories from my family that I can say is truly treasured. I am thankful that I have so so many many seasons which have been Dodger Blue.

Sadly this isn't one of them yet. And I hope that it's not a New Year's premonition.

*You see every New Year's I have this silly superstition that however you start the New Year is an indication of how it will go. It's been beautiful and hard but... well maybe it's too soon to tell if these are comparable analogies.*

A week ago my dad called me. He needed help with something. He was insistent that I did it whatever way he wanted and would absolutely not bend on it and would not listen to anything rational as to any other approach.  During that time he hung the coveted baseball season sentiment on a carrot stick- offering the opportunity to go to a baseball game with my oldest son if I were to help him with the favor.

I held firm.

My father refused to be open or listen to anything else beyond what he wanted. He was the authority figure and he should not dare to be questioned. My job was to obey, not to state anything or inquire him to think differently. I was the one that needed to think differently.

So just as quickly as I was needed I was also discarded. As was the notion of me being welcome to share in the memory of a start of a season of blue (or, for that game, red, as it was going to be an Angels game). This has happened several times before. Each time has had a very similar result. I am to be punished anytime I just do not automatically obey without question even if I bring reasonable things to the table.

These carrot-on-a-stick things have been my father's modus operandi. They're regular toolboxes that my father reaches into. Sadly it is a trait I've learned to an extent.

Now I don't like to believe that I am emotionally manipulative like my father but I dare to wonder at every turn when I reach into my vulnerabilities that I will be viewed as such. I do know that I do not hide my disappointment at times and that it has hurt me tremendously. Vulnerability is something that people pounce on. Sadly it's also a thing that people turn to in order to garner a controlled response.

I don't want to control anyone and I'm open to hearing other avenues and approaches. I do make a point to listen to reason and be open to other approaches. I do stand firm at times as well but it is not without taking everything into complete account as best as possible. My dad adamantly refuses to do so and just insists that he is authority and that I simply must acquiesce to his higher level of knowledge and ultimate being.

There is a struggle within me about this sentiment. I scribbled about it a bit a couple of weeks ago but there are still many many more words and thoughts to come about the topic.

It is... blue for being so "black and white."

I don't feel that I am doing what my father does. I've sought answers and opened my eyes to insight all across the board. I want to be accountable and truly enlightened and better if this is true. I have asked several different therapists and more about it. The guilt that my father has done is further compounded. It is a cyclical pain that bids to swallow me whole.

I don't want it to.

I'll fight with my soul and heart so much for it not to.

It will not overcome me and I will be stronger than the storm of deep deep blue.

It's Blue Season after all.

It's a season of joy and love and companionship and... teamwork.

It's layers and layers of sentiment and beauty and love. 

It's a season of color and radiance.

It's a season of a city.

It's a season of a little boy.

It's a season of a little girl.

It's a season of a family of generations.

It's a season for you. It's a season for him. It's a season for them. It's a season for everyone. It's a season to remember all the good that people are capable of.

It's time for Dodgers Baseball (even if I couldn't make the opening game day for the first time in several years with the family and people I love). Enjoy the blue even if you have moments where you're blue too. Let the joy overcome the pain and take the lead this season... no matter which team or colors you call your home.  Make it count. 

Jonas  first opening day and baseball game- 2014

Jonas first opening day and baseball game- 2014

Mother and son representing LA

Mother and son representing LA

A family tradition

A family tradition

The start of it all... and the beginning of another generation of seasons

The start of it all... and the beginning of another generation of seasons