Somewhere in there, I'm there and I know it.
The time machine for today was a post of a memory way back from 2009 taken by a friend of mine in Portland named Myrrh Larson back at Comic Con. It was a memory that stands out in more ways than this picture. It was a memory that most people might not know, was actually stumbled upon as have been many adventures in my tenure and I may write about it later. But I digress.
In 2009 I was a different person. In 2009 I was a lot more confident even though I was also very muted and reserved and scared of the world breaking free from my own silent box of abuse to roam and discover. But people didn't really know that much. I buried the pain and just... tried to be super. At least, I don't think they knew back then. It was the me, however, that started a revolution of sorts.
As I go through the pain of living and loving more and more each year, I search for this version of me. Of the super woman I write about even in my strange resume. I can be that way in a work place. I have that vision and confidence. So why do I flounder so much?
I wrote a post about this ages ago. It was a post about not being afraid to be afraid successfully. It was and is the embodiment of everything that I'm currently trying to get back to. Of the embodiment of everything I'd overcome in order to be there. Of the quiet girl trying to go outside in the world after all the abuse.
I did it once before. It should be easier after all these times right?
So why don't I feel so super all the time?
"You could rule the world. You should be ruling the world." He told me several times. He told me again this weekend in yet another blog draft not yet written.
It's really strange in a way too. Strange because I know it deep within me.
I sit there and know. It's scary as well. Scarier probably in some ways as I know and it just sits there taunting me.
This doesn't happen with work very often. I'm fairly confident in interviews and even better when on the job even if I am admittedly nervous at times. I find the super and I am it. If I could be the me that clients who are on my roster already see, oh man...
No this really only happens in personal relations. I know exactly where to go and what is needed and read between the lines with super power capabilities.
But yet I still stammer with my insecurities.
It's blatantly obvious too.
Obvious and sad and pathetic for someone who keeps getting told she has so much... potential.
Sometimes I go for walks and watch cars blurring by down the street on the freeway below. I think about how much life is like that. How everyone can be those blurs of super heroic capabilities... but they are humans and fail at it.
I've been awake for hours pondering life and existence and the very scary nature of nature. Somehow I have this gift of breathing. Somehow I sometimes find it a gift and not a curse. Sometimes I feel the weight of kryptonite. Sometimes I feel that I am my own kryptonite.
This morning I'm trying again. I'm trying to find the super that is me again. All I can do is try my best and remember that it varies from day to day... heart beat to heart beat.
Here goes... hopefully something to launch up towards the sky and not towards blurs miles below me.