Separate but equal and powerful.
This is from a note made a couple of days ago...
Words spoken across a donut shop called to me. It bid me to pay attention. It bid me to scribe.
I'm sitting in my car right now post that serendipitous dialogue updating my phone. I should have waited. I'm an idiot or maybe I subconsciously was content and actually wanting this to an extent.
Perhaps that is why all of it has happened.
I want in my heart to conquer it all. The "it all" however, for me, is the demons within that keep me.
"You do this to yourself. You lack accountability."
Except that's far from the truth for the most part. I chose all of it. I chose what I kept and took away from every experience. These choices have hurt me or saved me. Either way I was there for both of them.
Did I deserve the events that transpired? Did I deserve to be reprimanded and demanded and...
It was such a pleasant intersection today. It was just a few people stumbling into conversation about conversation. It was connection and discussing human connection.
"I want to see you again. This has been such good conversation. How will I get a hold of you?"
In my mind I wanted to say that one will never truly get that. I barely get that myself. Nonetheless I gave them a number. I may or may not ever chat again but that window can exist until I decide against it.
My phone is done. It's later than the late I thought it would be. Oh well. Better late than never right? Well.. Even if it was or is never... That's... My choice.
Choices are truly freedom even in chains. More on that later....
This week has been latent with choices. Many of which, are not understood by certain individuals in positions of judgmental perspective. In an interesting twist, however, these are not by the people one might particularly come to be the ones of actual value but the ones who hold are.. actually valuable.
I've parked myself at the place I call home for a few moments to draft away and... eat poutine. This didn't exist on the menu ages ago to my recollection. It's been far too long since I've been at this place I affectionately call my home. Far far too long.
It took me a few days after I'd gotten the reins of freedom before I inevitably arrived back here. Like I started in my above note earlier, I truly did choose it... and happily at that.
Over the past week things have been bold and scary and a bit of things in between. They have also been, surprisingly in some ways, filled with immense happiness and joy that I have not been able to obtain in some time. It was almost as if it snuck up on me or something.
Oh there are more tales that have to be drafted. Well, they don't *have* to be drafted but my heart wants to at this moment.... or at least likes.. the idea of it.
But that's another section and another story. Let's get back on track here.
My fingers dance along the keys in my favorite watering hole/restaurant where I have the comfort of familiar and the.. essentially "free" wifi. There is a stranger headed here to try and get some words in. I will not be staying long. At least, not for conversation but for work... writing or driving or whatever else I deem... worthy and deserving of my time.
These words ache to write. The power of choice is one that can be wielded and met with pain. I...
I took a shower after I finished work at the warehouse today. It was hot and sticky and.. it was ever so welcome and accommodating. These little pieces are oh so good. I want to think about them. I don't want to think about..
The meeting I had tonight was nice. It was good to exchange words here and there. I felt a bit like the conversation a couple of days ago. I may never see or speak to that person again as the connection was not.... sigh.... but it was a nice little pocket of time.
I'm listening to my sister's playlist that my brother made right now and writing. The friend that I hadn't seen in ages who was parked across from me at this table I'm currently typing at is gone. The person that came to meet me is as well. I'm left to my devices and choices.
Therein lies a power.
I am, for this moment, happy and content as I sit here and type and dream with my eyes wide open. It is a truly delightful and indelible indulgence of... a moment.
I'm listening to Jess playlist and pounding away at the keys in tune to things.
I wonder why I was given the "gift" of survival and she wasn't. I stop myself because that is not an answer nor a question that I should really even be pondering. It's not my place. It's not the time.
The power of a path or paths lay before me. My sisters' was hers. Mine is mine.
It's time to go on the road and seek my truth. Literally and figuratively.
What powers will you unleash with your own choice? I hope you make them count... whatever they are.