Into the White

White pages are hellos and goodbyes.

Friday June 2nd Afternoon

There's a stretch of road that runs along the ocean that can cure so many ailments. It is a window that transcends time. The stories along that road are ones which bring to recollection silly and wonderful memories. I needed that road. I think we all need that road.

But this time...

The clouds cover everything. The air is a thick white fog all abound. It's like a sea of marshmallow. It is sad. It is beautiful. It is bidding a bunch of rice krispies be thrown up and turned into something further delicious.

And then there comes the tiny trickles. Tiny little needle heads of wet. Tiny pieces of an impending sadness and... 

The white wash over the ocean made it where nothing really was visible. I don't recall ever seeing it like that to that extent in my many years here

There is something very powerful in the air. It's something so beautiful and sad and everything in between. It's the power of a universe. It's like it knew and wanted the world to match.

How does this phenomenon occur?  Miles and miles away here in Los Angeles, the world echoed with the loss of my sister. 

Tuesday June 7th, 2016 Evening

I started writing this on Friday and didn't know honestly what to expect over the next few days. I have so much going on with Jonas. It's beyond scary right now. 

Jess's death is bringing forward so much white around. I'm high above the ground right now on a plan I didn't know for sure if I would be on.  I am traveling in a sea of white space and time. 

My sister is everywhere. It is so beautiful.

I'm approaching the ground feeling the surge of the white spaces that she helped create. Of the beauty in the scary unknown. Of the comfort that someone else is looking out for the greater good. Of the journey that is going to come forward in her honor.

I might be fashionably late getting there but.. I guess it's not over until... until love saves some lives.

But that's a different story...

Stay tuned. 

Wednesday June 8th, 2016 Morning

I'm up before the alarm shot awake from screaming nightmares and laughter. It is chilling and haunting in the most unreal way. I think about my sister's death. I think about the events that have happened since her murder. I think about my dear innocent niece whom I do not know if I will even be seeing today.

I have barely slept since I got here. I don't think it had really set in yet. Or maybe it had but... I doubt I will be sleeping much tonight either.

The morning is yet another day begun in white. It is the opposite side of the dress and top I am sitting here in tears trying to decide on which to wear.

At least Jess is consistent.

My heart aches for the loss of my sister and this white page. My knees are shaking. It is taking everything in me to not break down looking at the pictures of us as kids. That's the sister that I will remember the most... the silly faced kid that was not afraid of those white page.. the big sister that would be telling me to be strong as she held quiet in the background.

I'm deeply saddened by all this absence around me. No amount of words is ever going to make this any better. But these white spaces have to mean something too. It's a white page none of us ever would have dared to dream. Somehow someway though.. we've got to get through.

This is going to be one of the hardest days ever. No one should have to bury their sister... their daughter... their aunt... their mother... their cousin.. their niece... their granddaughter.... their friend... like this.

But here we go.. to the day of nothing but white to make the best of it that we can.