Things come as it does.
This note is months and months overdue but it seems that I hadn't put a draft here in a bit.
As redundant and trite as it likely is to state the obvious interjections that will hopefully become fuller into the pan with this discombobulated discourse, I will attempt to get some words out to elucidate a bit better as the words make their journey further into the morning dawn.
Life had become so fast-paced this year (almost gone now) that love or rather, the idea of anything resembling... "euphoria" aka romance was not anywhere near my desired or intended focus.
This year has been about returning to self... to finding that and discovering it... in certain ways that simply are just better alone even if sometimes it's nice to have company too. It's got to be the right company. It will be a plus to my one. It will be... whatever it chooses to be.
Over time I've become hardened.
Things have melted and exploded and so many places in between and all over.
It's been quite a journey and a ride from casting couches to castaways.
In wee hours like this one, this could be "blamed" and howled at the moon in agony or it can be embraced and danced about.
I'm doing... a bit of both and yet nothing as I sit relaxed and ready for the world to do as it will.
There were a few blurry moments with...
A trip and return up North for New Year's where nothing beyond a decision to continue forward towards only moments that sought to be fuller for dreams and happiness for all parties with kindness presented the mantra:
A scribble on a bus adventure in the city alone while surly company elected to hibernate and be surly with their hangover while I pranced about wildly and unafraid bounding the city in words and conversations with strangers coasting through the day without care.
But later that trip...
Some things shattered.
A friendship that I'd valued so much but it seems wasn't mutual enough to stand the test of whatever nothing that nothing truly was beyond a flirtation and rocks and pictures that others envied and thought him foolish about.
A few drinks and some punk rock cheers and near punches with ridiculous hipsters in a bar talking shit to the tiny redhead at the bar because...
But you weren't there.
You were sick and drifting still hungover from what I will happily oblige was the perfect party to have attended to start the year...
To start this journey that I had hoped we would have continued as friends as we had been for several years even though a distance of moving away and closer and yet...
Did you set sail away that night or was that just a coincidence?
It was chilly there in the Tropics. At the intersection of Cancer and Capricorn 5 am and beyond.
He was one of my most favorite people in the Bay area that I, even drafting, am bummed and miss in some ways regardless of the rest of things. Sometimes not even years of friendship (or what I thought was genuine friendship) can be salvaged in...
Reminiscing in the wee hours of the morning I'm thinking of those moments standing in the Mission having walked a bit in heels and yet not and... having company and a friendship that I valued and treasured so much in that moment... which would disappear months later over... disagreements in his inability to agree to disagree.
I am... still ever so thankful for that moment.
Moments are really all we ever have anyway.
The story continues without this character.
His story is done.
At least, for this chapter, it seems.
Time will tell if he will make a cameo.
If it wills it.
Months later after that, back down South in ironically more tropical weather, especially this week in August post broken rule and onto the next, as everything everywhere seems to be melting, post that strange not happening would be a not quite casting couch experience.
I broke one of my rules of dating in Los Angeles. You'd think in a nearly decade tenure this year that I would have known better. I should have known better. I did know better. But yet I opened the door and stepped outside of my comfort zone anyway. Because that's when you can sometimes learn more.
I had a brief romance with an actor several months ago. A He-Man cut man who...
Missions and released control are roles that casting really is everything or nothing or... but the couch time and auditioning aren't bad moments regardless of the temperature.
He was and is amazing in many ways but it just wasn't the spark ultimately. There was so much in the sexual connection and he was a nice enough fellow but... it just wasn't it. It was good for what it was. It probably could have continued too. I just didn't.
At the end of the day, I learned that he was not someone I absolutely could just not have in my life. I knew that from the first few moments on that first date.
That feeling is something that it seems that... it's just either there or it isn't.
You either connect or you don't.
You might not know the rest but there is this feeling you can get when you meet someone where you just know that life is different and better and brighter with them around. Where the story goes from there may also be uncertain but if that spark and connection aren't there like that then it just isn't something to invest in.
Or at least it wasn't for me.
Not with that one at least.
Nor with another one I met and talked to after yet another trip back from the Bay in May.
There have been nice enough fellows and conversations.
There's even been some great sex when it happened.
An undetermined but exciting and passionate and intense thing?
*Thinks of a memory of silliness and passion and uncertainty in recent timing and possible what is possible and what is ..is anything... let's not talk or think about things and just... even if it possibly scares the crap out of [both] of... us [?] or whoever and whatever this page or person... people... that's here in this moment*
It's August now and there are conversations with the seasons.
I wonder what will happen next.
If the role of paramour will ever be cast or simply is an idea to be cast off into the great beyond.
In the wee hours of the morning, I fear not. It's still not a priority or even really on my radar.
This moment is all I have.
The future isn't written yet.
Here's a cheers to continued full dreams (says she who has not slept), continued missions, and perhaps not quite cast roles. The future will happen when it does regardless if I'm ready for it or not. It's not something to be afraid of anymore... and that's a damn mighty good feeling to have even if it's uncertain.
To those moments that might be picked like "boogers" or "scabs" in disgusting adorable ridiculousness under moonlight after hours and cheers in new (to you) places warm and cozy and not jealous by a not fire on a... date that was ok in that moment.
Or so I say at 2am while I worry about the uncertainty of other things currently in focus (while perhaps also thinking of a "scab" currently healing and gathering white blood cells and health to go with this "booger"...) in temperatures of tropics under stars North and South of degrees and Missions not yet written or cast just yet.
Or nearly 4am apparently because that's where time disappears with or without you.
As it does.
You ...of the... whatever this is or isn't or is or isn't or...
With or without you as it does.